Crests and Valleys, Biking, Excitement

Saturday, June 13th, 2009

All month I had been waiting for the weight of my move to hit me. I thought perhaps I got lucky and the only stress I was going to feel was while packing - concerned that I didn’t have the right amount of business attire for teaching this summer. I should have realized this was me we’re talking about - rearranging furniture is about the only change I handle well; moving across the country was not going to go smoothly.

Then came Maryland: Mountain crests = emotional crests - each higher and more dramatic than the last; each downward slope not only was an exciting sight, or a falling lurch in my stomach but a horrible twist as I felt each hill further separating me from my home and the people I love. It is one thing to leave for a semester with a set and terminable amount of time until I return home and am reunited with familiar places and people. It is something completely different to drive away when I have no sense or guarantee of when I will next see those I leave behind.

There is also a feeling of unease or a sense of danger driving through twists and hills for someone so firmly rooted in the flatlands of the midwest. I can never see very far in front of me because the road will wend around a turn or over a crest, and lets be honest, a mountain makes a better door than window. I also often find myself separated from the sister highway traveling back the other direction, adding to the sense of permanence and isolation.

And driving habits are different on mountainsides. I learned to prize myself on my ability to regulate my speed, either through use of cruise control or listening to my vehicle or observing the gage. In my neck of the woods we hate adjusting the cruise or being stuck on the same stretch of highway with someone who can’t decide what speed they are going to drive. When you are forever going up hills and down troughs though, regulating speed kind of goes out the window, apparently. You shoot for the speed limit on the straightaways and are a little below on the uphills, and a little above on the downhills. I have never had so much difficulty with other drivers and deciding where to place myself around them as I did today.

All this amounted to crying through the first hundred miles of Maryland and gripping the wheel white-knuckled and clench-shouldered the rest of the drive.

What the universe reminded me today: Other than needing to occasionally deal with sh** days, always remember to eat. I was so busy being stressed out, that I forgot to eat lunch, which only compounded an already bad situation.

What I am thankful for: Having a friend in my life who will answer her phone, remind me to breathe, deal with my (loving) verbal abuse (read teasing), and keep talking to me until my hands stop shaking and I am able to laugh; and my family being large and spread across the country so at least I’m always heading for someplace familiar and loving at the end of the day.

Sunday, June 14th, 2009

I am currently exhausted. My uncle decided that just chilling at home today was not okay, so we went biking around the capital. Sometimes I should probably say no to things, rather than just avoid making waves. In all honesty, though, I feel fabulous. Sore, but fabulous. Check with me tomorrow.

Along with biking around the Mall, I did a lot of writing today. Wrote an essay. Wrote a letter. Took two showers. Tried a new beer. Ate the biggest bowl of ice cream I’ve eaten in years. Stuff like that.

I want a huge dog. A dog-bear, like my family has here. Corky is fantastic.

What I hope to replicate: My aunt and uncle are in AMAZING shape. Uncle runs with the dog, four miles, every morning. Neither of them looks their age. I want to do that. I need to start working on it. Sometimes I feel like my body is already 30 or 40 and that makes me really, really sad.

OMG!!!! Tomorrow I join my corps!!!

Driving in the rain, dreaming and prepwork

Thursday, June 11th, 2009

Today it rained the whole day. And it poured to the point of white-outs most of the way through Ohio. But interspersed throughout the day were moments of dominant beauty - watching clouds billow along the Indiana skyline, snippets of sun-streaked clouds between downpours, wearing my sunglasses for over six hours, despite the rain.

What the universe reminded me today: Two things - 1. Always be grateful for what you have. Don’t complain about being parked on the freeway. At least parked there you are not one of the five vehicles involved in the accident further up the roadway. - 2. All things in moderation. Taste the salad before you dump on three extra scoops of dressing, or add the extra one scoop at a time.

Friday, June 12, 2009

Last night I dreamed I was staying in/moving into an apartment habited by the strangest assortment of friends and acquaintances from high school and college. Then I woke fully and realized there were six people running around the apartment, yelling, talking and completely ignoring the fact I was sleeping on the couch (not to mention three other roommates were fast asleep in their not soundproof rooms). The fourth roommate had finally appeared with her family and fiancee for final preparations before attending master’s graduation this morning. While disorienting, it did explain why one past acquaintance had appeared in my dream - he kind of looks and sounds like the fiancee. Doppelgangers - Story of my stay at OSU. I’ve encountered at least three. I’m sure if you see them side-by-side they are not actually doppelgangers, but right now - separated - they’re decent matches.

I spent much of this tired and dreary day working on TFA prep. At this point in my pre-reading I have moved on from the importance of setting big goals to following through on big goals; from recognizing the role(s) of diversity in the work I will soon be doing to concrete ways to counteract negative messages and stereotypes my students will be inundated with daily. I’m still nervous about having conversations about race with my students, but I feel that I have more tools in my arsenal to utilize when having these conversations. I also further recognize the unique opportunity I have as a social studies/history teacher to help students develop a positive racial identity. In my discipline, more than (or at least to the same extent as) any other discipline, have racial minorities been left out. So much of the role played by African Americans, Native Americans, Mexican Americans, and others has been left out of history curriculums. Study of ancient North American societies does not occur. Study of current Native societies doesn’t occur, for that matter. Not only were Africans enslaved during the colonial era, they are still enslaved by modern history curriculums - in the sense that we hardly ever teach students about the ways these men and women found ways to retake, regain and retain their agency. We only teach about how they were demeaned, not how they were strong. I have an exciting opportunity to teach my students - who will mostly be students of color - about the ways these minorities are strong and worked intelligently against their oppression all throughout U.S. history; about the movements within the dominant white community to respect and enfranchise minorities. Rather than only having George Washington and John Hancock and Benjamin Franklin be the only heros of the American Revolution, I have an opportunity to show my students that the heros of the Revolution, or the Civil War, the Abolitionist Movement, of westward expansion also looked like them. Wow.

I need books. Lots of them. I know nothing about most of the things I will need to teach, and I’m sure not gonna find them in the textbook. I’m looking for the George Washington Carvers, Cesar Chavezes, Alice Pauls, (Insert Chief or LC guide here)s, Sojourner Truths, (Asian??) of every time period. I will learn about my students and not only will I tailor to their interests, but I will fine-tune to their heritage as well. They will see themselves in American History, or the U.S. Government. It’s gonna happen.

While not reading, I hung out with J and her friends here. I really like some of them and wish I could stay here with them, rather than move on to more new people. J’s friend across the hall, A., and her boyfriend, B., threw J. and another friend, also J., a going away party since they leave tomorrow for a trip to Botswana. Cook-out = awesome. People should grill more often in my life.

I also spent a fair amount of time with one of J.’s roommates, S., from Jamaica. S. is studying chemical engineering and tests next week to gain acceptance to the Ph.D. program here. We studied and watched CNN together. Being from Jamaica, S. didn’t really understand all the hoopla surrounding Obama’s healthcare plan, which was the big topic on CNN over the lunch hour. She had me explain public vs. private healthcare and insurance, and described her hellish day trying to get medical attention at the clinic on campus - “So much paperwork! Jesus! I’m vomiting, just let me see the doctor!” - as an example of what is wrong with healthcare in the U.S. When I asked her to reciprocate and tell me about healthcare in Jamaica she said it wasn’t much better, but you can at least see the doctor without filling out hours of paperwork when you need to.

What I hope to replicate: J. managed to find a (somewhat) affordable apartment that came fully furnished, and with a workout room, patio, grill, pool, and lounge. It’s a pretty sweet deal.

What I never want to hear myself say: B. (the boyfriend) and a few of the other grad students mentioned that they are BSing their way through grad school. I would be so thrilled to never hear that phrase come out of my mouth ever again.