the sweeping insensitivity of this still life

- imogen heap, "hide and seek"

I want to explain more about why I decided to travel to south east asia and study human rights rather than staying at Coe, fulfilling my term as newspaper EiC, finishing my sociology degree, (being on flunk day committee) and other related experiences that I have been looking forward to for a while. Many people seem to not understand why I have decided to forego all of this to go to Thailand, and I never seem to be able to fully explain. Perhaps the following will provide more insight.

This morning I (miraculously) woke up to my first alarm at 7:30. Mom was also just getting up and starting to get ready to go to church. I fed our ridiculous cat, so she would stop pacing and trilling, washed my hair in the kitchen sink, and got myself ready for church too, even though I was not planning to go to the early service with my mom. I decided that a week and a half away from school and another week before that away from news outlets (due to finals' time constraints) was long enough and I would have a cup of coffee and read through the BBC website, and maybe the New York Times site before church. It seemed like a brilliant idea at the time, but I don't think I'll indulge next time - it made me too cranky.

The front page of the BBC can be a lot of information (at least to me), so I always click through the headlines by region using the world map links. This morning I started with Africa, where I read about cholera and failed leadership in Zimbabwe, more violence during military and rebel attacks in the Democratic Republic of the Congo (DRC), the Central African Republic (CAR), Uganda, and Sudan; Then I moved to Europe where I read about violent riots in Greece and warrantless arrests in Russia; I even made it to the Middle East before I became too frustrated. That third region did me in though. As I read how a six-month ceasefire between Israel and Gaza had been allowed to lapse, how conditions in Gaza had become worse during and after the ceasefire (it is now being declared a humanitarian crisis by the UN aid mission there, because the Israelis are letting in so few supplies that people are becoming malnourished), and read the vows of Israeli officials and citizens to "crush" or "destroy" their "Palestinian enemies" and read firsthand accounts of conditions and wonderment at the behavior of both sides, I began to weep. Such a deep sense of sorrow, pity, helplessness, anger, frustration overtake me when I read or hear updates of that region in particular (because it hangs so precariously on the edge of extreme violence and probably genocide), I can't hold back those emotions and I weep and rant and want to tear at my clothes or grab those leaders by the shoulders and shake them - anything to change the situation, or barring that, outwardly express the pain held therein. The immense capacity for hatred that we hold is a frightful thing to behold, at least that's the way I see it.

This is the same reaction I have to heterosexism, homophobia, sexism, racism, classism, xenophobia when they appear in US politics. The same reaction I have when I hear accounts of the genocide (yes, genocide) in Darfur, Sudan, or femicide, rape and female genital mutilation (FGM) as tactics of war in the DRC.

I used to cry over the news a lot more. In high school, flood or tornado devastation would set me off - I have a very distinct memory of watching a fly-over video of a very bad Minnesota River flood when I was, like, 10 and crying because those people lost everything and I couldn't find another way to express my empathy for those families. Sometimes discussions in Senior Soc, Service Learning, Theology, or Justice and Ethics would set me off, but those discussions usually served to light a spark and harden my resolve to find a solution to some problem, some non-love in our world. Well, all of those sparks have built into this inferno that I can no longer ignore. I can't sit at Coe, in Cedar Rapids, not doing anything. If I were not traveling to Asia, I would, first off, go crazy, and second, when and if I recovered any sanity, would probably have quit all my activities to go work at Waypoint as a victim advocate while I finished my degree.

I have been fairly complacent the last three and a half years (and fairly ignorant before then), and I'm paying for it now. But I also know that I am still emotionally unable to handle many of the situations I want to impact. I can't just pick up and go to Darfur or Gaza or the DRC, not only because I'm pretty sure my mom would lock me in a room, but also because I would not be able to deal with the slowness of change. I still am idealistic enough to think that change can happen in a matter of weeks or months, when it more often takes years or decades. Which, as a side note, is really is unacceptable, because long-lasting instability creates longer-lasting after effects. For example - the people my age in the internally displaced person (IDP) and refugee camps in Darfur and Chad have grown up almost entirely in camps - that culture of extreme poverty, helplessness, despair and frustration is the only culture they know. How are they to be expected to (God willing) leave the camps and become functioning members of Darfuri, Sudanese, African (dare I say world) society? By and large, they don't stand a real chance. Those that are strong-willed may be able to reintegrate, but many of those refugees and IDPs are lost. They are alive, which means there is a chance, but they're on life support machines with an infection threatening - it doesn't look stellar. And usually its just because some doofus doesn't want to give up whatever power he has and thinks he deserves, or some other related selfish foolishness.

Going to Thailand, studying human rights in another part of the world, working with an NGO or two along the way will help give me some better perspective and allow me to get my hands dirty, but in a safer way. Which in some respects is just as frustrating as staying at Coe, but at least I get to do something. I am at a loss for how to change people's minds and, really, honestly, after explaining my feminism and egalitarianism for three years, explaining that it shouldn't matter if I'm black, white, red, yellow, brown, purple, blue or orange, straight or queer, have 15 inches of hair or 1/4 inch, have pierced eyebrows, ears, nipples, tongue, or tattoos, have a dick or a vag (or anything else for that matter) - after explaining and being on the defensive for the better part of three years, I'm sick of dealing with it, and just want to go focus on working in the trenches, rather than continuing the futile battle of ideas. If I am frustrated with "the sweeping insensitivity of this still life," I need to not just talk about it, but work to interrupt insensitivity's sweep. That's what this semester is about, for me.